Once you've chosen a mediator, a natural next question is what actually happens once you're in the room. Understanding the shape of the process ahead of time can make it feel far less intimidating.
Two Things You Need to Get Divorced
To finalize a divorce, a couple generally needs two separate things: a gett, which is typically completed in about an hour at a Beis Din, and a civil agreement. The civil agreement lays out the specific terms of the divorce and is what the mediator will help you craft.
What Actually Gets Discussed
A civil agreement generally covers five core areas: custody and visitation, child support and related add-on expenses (tuition, camp, medical costs, and the like), division of assets, and alimony or spousal maintenance. The mediator's job is to sit with both spouses and work through each of these terms until there's a verbal understanding on all of them.
A mediator typically isn't an attorney. Once the couple has reached agreement on the substance, the mediator hands those terms off to an attorney to draft the formal agreement. Getting there can take a single meeting or, more often, several sessions, particularly when an issue needs further investigation or the couple simply disagrees and needs time to work through it.
Why Neutrality Is Everything
Mediation works best when both spouses agree to participate in it. If one side is resistant and prefers to go the attorney route, then it is not possible to mediate.
Once mediation is underway, the mediator's central job is to stay neutral. Mediators are human, and after hearing both sides of a dispute, it's natural to privately lean toward one perspective. But the moment a mediator visibly takes a side, the process tends to fall apart: the spouse who feels the mediator isn't in their corner will simply walk away. A good mediator isn't trying to determine who's right and who's wrong. The mediator's job is to facilitate a conversation between both spouses and help them reach their own resolution.
Joint or Separate?
Mediation sessions generally happen in one of two formats, and sometimes a mix of both.
In the first, everyone sits around the same table. The mediator facilitates a collaborative conversation, giving each spouse room to share their perspective, pushing back gently on unrealistic expectations, and encouraging both sides to think creatively about solutions rather than digging into fixed positions.
The second approach is caucusing, sometimes described as "shuttle diplomacy," where the mediator meets with each spouse separately, whether in person, by phone, or over Zoom, and moves back and forth between the two. Many mediators use a hybrid of both: starting with the couple together, then pulling one side into a separate room when a particular issue gets especially sensitive. There's no single right approach; it varies by mediator and by couple.
The Real Goal: A Livable Compromise
Whichever format is used, the mediator's underlying task is the same: to understand the issues on the table and guide both spouses toward some form of compromise. By its nature, compromise won't be perfect for either side, and it likely won't be exactly what either spouse originally wanted. But a workable, livable resolution that the couple decides makes sense for each of their lives, reached through mediation, is generally far preferable to the alternative of litigating the same issues out in court or in Beis Din.
Reaching that middle ground means giving each spouse what matters most to them where possible, while staying neutral throughout. A skilled mediator keeps the conversation anchored to the practical questions rather than getting pulled into relitigating the past. The goal isn't to settle who did what or who was right; it's to build an agreement for how life will work moving forward.
Information Tailored to Your Role
Understand your options and take control of the process.