Understanding the School's Role in Divorce

When it comes to handling a divorce in one of their families, schools can take measures to ensure the emotional wellbeing of their students and a smooth handling of any logistics involved.

The teacher should always be aware if any student is experiencing a difficult situation, including divorce. In addition, school secretaries are often the very first point of contact for anyone dropping off or picking up a child, or delivering a message, which makes it essential that they understand the details of a child's domestic situation too: whether there's only a separation or an actual legal divorce, and what that means for who has the right to pick the child up or receive a message on their behalf. From there, the information should reach whoever is in direct, daily contact with the child, and any guidance counselor, mashgiach, or mechanech in the building. These are the staff members who should have the situation on file and understand that this is a child who deserves particular attention and a regular, prioritized check-in.

It helps to be clear about where a school's responsibility actually begins and ends. Squarely within the school's domain is a child's educational attainment. This includes making sure the child is learning well, that appropriate educational plans are in place, and that schoolwork can be managed even if the child is now living in more than one home. It's also the school's job to safeguard a child's emotional wellbeing during school hours: preventing bullying, making sure the child feels heard, and referring the child for counseling, in school or outside of it, when that becomes necessary.

Outside the school's domain is anything resembling a forensic evaluation. Much like the trap a treating therapist can fall into, a school can be pulled toward offering an opinion on custody if a parent asks for a letter attesting to what a wonderful, capable parent they are, hoping it will help their case. A school can speak to how a parent or child presents within the school setting if a forensic psychologist asks, but it simply isn't in a position to know everything that would go into an actual custody recommendation, and making one falls outside its role.

Similarly, a school should be careful not to align with one parent over the other, whether because one parent's religious outlook fits more comfortably with the school's own values, or because one parent seems to be coping better emotionally than the other. Even when one parent does seem less emotionally well, or ends up with significantly more custody, the school's role is to treat both parents as stakeholders in their child's education and give both of them what they need to support that child.

Once a rebbe or morah knows a child is navigating their parents' divorce, some of the most valuable moments come from small, low-key opportunities: a quiet word while a child waits their turn at recess, something as simple as, "I know you're going through a lot at home. I'm here for you." If the child says they don't need to talk right now, that's a perfectly fine outcome. What matters is returning to check in again, using good judgment about frequency rather than turning it into a daily routine or an obsessive gesture.

It is helpful for a child to know that their rebbe or morah is aware of the situation. That knowledge itself reduces anxiety in the child who now has no need to worry about hiding anything or managing what people know. It also allows for much simpler, lower-pressure check-ins going forward: a brief "I know there's stuff going on, we don't need to get into it unless you want to" goes a long way, without requiring a heavier conversation each time.

When a couple's separation first becomes public, there's often a burst of chaos surrounding it. This is exactly where a school can add real value: stepping in to provide stability rather than letting that chaos spill into the school environment. One effective way to do this is the "one designated adult" approach, assigning a single staff member to serve as the point person who checks in with the parents to understand the current situation, checks in with the child on how they're managing, and checks in with the child's teacher to make sure they have what they need, tying together both the educational and emotional pieces of a coordinated plan.

That designated adult doesn't have to be a school social worker or an administrator, although it certainly can be. It can be any staff member as long as they're wise, grounded, emotionally safe, able to build trust with both the child and the parents, and equipped to use good judgment in what is often a complicated situation.